He fills my soul with laughter

2006-08-22T15:18:00.000-07:00

And i got a song to work on my blog so its cool.

2006-08-22T13:20:00.000-07:00

So ive decided to have a normal blog. Ill still
do jokes every so often but ill do other things
to like well im not sure what but well see.

2006-08-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

Man i have not posted in forever. well hope u like these pictures.

2006-06-27T19:37:00.000-07:00

Okay so here is what to say to a telemarketers when they call:)

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.

14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"

16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

I take no responsibility for what u say on the phone.

2006-06-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

Okay so here are the answers.

Answers
1. The word "incorrectly." {Almost cracked your brain, didn't you?}
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him. {Poor Sloppy.}
7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)
8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...
9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.
10. An umbrella.
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
12. The temperature.

2006-06-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

See if u can get these:)

1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?

7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?

8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass,and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?
Same question, but the location is in Canada?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up? (hint... chim chimminy)

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

2006-06-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

Okay so now that i started to drive i'm hooked on these driving jokes.
None of these are from experience so don't worry:) Enjoy

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

You know you need a new car when...

You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Bush/Quayle '88" sticker.

You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

Evel Kneivel refuses a free lift.

The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.

What would Jesus drive
Most people assume WWJD is for “What would Jesus do?” But the initials really standfor “What would Jesus drive?”

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because “the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.”

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges theLord to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.”

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast.”

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John'sgospel where Christ tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord.”

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passagedeclaring, “the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills.”

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: “Joshua's Triumph washeard throughout the land.” And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: “The Apostles were in one Accord.”

Well thanks for reading i will post again later:)

2006-06-17T06:25:00.000-07:00

The Top 9 Signs You May Be a Bad Driver

9> You have a reserved parking space with your name on it -- at traffic court.

8> You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone out of your front grille.

7> You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the Detroit Tigers.
6> After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons change their minds and now "feel like walking to Jordan."

5> Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the inevitable spot.

4> Earl Scheib just named his new 160-foot yacht after you.

3> The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your date of birth, social security number, home address, license plate number and how many points you have left before your 39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you.

2> The other day, you ran right into the garage door -- and it was *up* at the time.
and the Number 1 Sign You May Be a Bad Driver...

1> Every time your cell phone rings while you're putting on makeup, you spill your tea, drop your Game Boy and rear-end the car in front of you on the freeway.

2006-05-25T18:23:00.000-07:00

How to be annoying:
- Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

- Drum on every available surface.

- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

- Staple papers in the middle of the page.

- Ask 800 operators for dates.

- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

- Set alarms for random times.

- Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

- Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

- Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

- Honk and wave to strangers.

- Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

- Wear your pants backwards.

- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

- Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".

- Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

- Only type in uppercase.

- only type in lowercase.

- dont use any punctuation either

- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

- Pay for your dinner with pennies.

- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

- Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

- Write "X - Buried Treasure" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

- Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

- Light road flares on a birthday cake.

- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

- Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

- When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

- Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

- Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)

- Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

- Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

- Drive half a block.

- Name your dog "Dog".

- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

- Ask people what gender they are.

- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

- Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

- Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

- Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

- Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

- Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

- Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

- Wear a lot of cologne.

- Ask to "interface" with someone.

- Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

- Sing along at the opera.

- Mow your lawn with scissors.

- At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhwing-batter!"

- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."

- Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

- Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

- Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

- Never make eye contact.

- Never break eye contact.

- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

- Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

- Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

- Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

- Make appointments for the 31st of September.

- Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

- Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

2006-05-24T19:07:00.000-07:00

This for all u golfers out there. AKA Michael

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

2006-05-23T18:07:00.000-07:00

Dog Washing Instructions
1.Wait for a hot Summer day. (Do not wash in Winter.)
2.Outside, turn on grass sprinkler.
3.When dog finishes playing with sprinkler, give dog big juicy bone to chew on until dog is done drying.
The 11 Step Cat Washing Program
1.First, thoroughly clean the toilet, remove the topmost lid covering the tank of water, and turn off the cold-water hose to the toilet.
2.Next, warm up 4 gallons of water to bath temperature. Flush, and add half the water to the tank.
3.Then, raise both lids, add the rest of the water directly to the toilet bowl, and add an ample amount of shampoo to the water.
4.Find a ball of string and entice the cat into the bathroom.
5.Close the bathroom door, and continue petting the cat.
6.In one swift move, pick up the cat, and drop the cat into the toilet bowl, closing both lids.
7.Jump on top of the toilet lid to prevent the cat from escaping.
CAUTION: Avoid placing any of your body parts near the edge of the toilet to avoid flailing claws reaching between the toilet and lid.
8.The cat will self-agitate and generate ample sudsing action. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this.)
9.Flush the toilet twice for a quick rinse or 4 times for an effective power rinse cycle, depending on the cat's fur cleaning needs.
10.Clear a path of open doors from the toilet to outside, and then jump off of the lid. CAUTION: Jump away from the bathroom door.
11.The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet to the outside. Air dry time: about 20 minutes.
Sincerely,
Bobby

2006-05-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

Just For Fun The force is with me

2006-05-10T14:08:00.000-07:00

Yes my dad got the internet to work

2006-04-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

Here are some jokes.

1.One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"
The prof said, "No and I don't care."
The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?" The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.

2.A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

3.A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. The bartender says "What can I get you?" Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes? Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd): No, I'm afraid we don't. And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool. Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you? Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes? Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes? The bartender is really ticked off. Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says, "What the do YOU want?" Umm. do you have any nails? What!? OF course not. Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

4.Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.
Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"

2006-04-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

1.You are walking through a field, and you find something to eat. It doesn't have bones, and it doesn't have meat. You pick it up and put it into your pocket. You take it home and put it on a shelf, but 3 day's later it walks away. What is it?

2.There are 20 people in an empty, square room. Each person has full sight of the entire room and everyone in it without turning his head or body, or moving in any way (other than the eyes). Where can you place an apple so that all but one person can see it?

3.A man has to get a fox, a chicken, and a sack of corn across a river. He has a rowboat, and it can only carry him and one other thing. If the fox and the chicken are left together, the fox will eat the chicken. If the chicken and the corn is left together, the chicken will eat the corn. How does the man do it?

4.I can be created by humans, But they cannot control me. I suck on wood, paper and flesh alike. I can be more of a hindrance than help at times. To my creators, I seem to be everywhere at once. What am I?

5.I have many feathers to help me fly. I have a body and head, but I'm not alive. It is your strength which determines how far I go. You can hold me in your hand, but I'm never thrown. What am I?

6.How much dirt is in a hole that is 3 ft deep, and 6 inches in diameter?

7.An old man wanted to leave all of his money to one of his three sons, but he didn't know which one he should give it to. He gave each of them a few coins and told them to buy something that would be able to fill their living room. The first man bought straw, but there was not enough to fill the room. The second bought some sticks, but they still did not fill the room. The third man bought two things that filled the room, so he obtained his father's fortune. What were the two things that the man bought?

8.Little Nanny Etticoat, in a white petticoat, and a red nose; the longer she stands, the shorter she grows. What is she?

9.Two men are in a desert. They both have packs on. One of the guys is dead. The guy who is alive has his pack open, the guy who is dead has his pack closed. What is in the pack?

10.What is it that is deaf, dumb and blind and always tells the truth?

2006-04-11T17:18:00.000-07:00

Okay I want you people to get this one.
This is called Einstein's riddle. It is said that only 2% of the world population can get it.
GOOD LUCK

- In a street there are five houses, painted five different colors.

- In each house lives a person of different nationality

- These five homeowners each drink a different kind of beverage, smoke
different brand of cigar and keep a different pet.

Einstein's riddle is: Who owns the fish?

Necessary clues:
1. The British man lives in a red house.
2. The Swedish man keeps dogs as pets.
3. The Danish man drinks tea.
4. The Green house is next to, and on the left of the White house.
5. The owner of the Green house drinks coffee.
6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
7. The owner of the Yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The man living in the center house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
12. The man who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15. The Blends smoker lives next to the one who drinks water.

2006-04-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth got my first 3 riddles.

Here are the answers.

1.The rope isn't tied to anything, so the horse can go freely to anywhere it pleases.

2.A Coffin.

3.The letter "E" is the most commonly used letter in the English language, but in the whole passage, there was no "E" used.

Don't worry I am going to find one you can't get:)

2006-04-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

Okay I will start with some RIDDLES.

1.A horse is tied to a 15 ft. rope and there is a bail of hay 25 ft. away from him. Yet the horse is able to eat from the bail of hay. How is this possible

2.The one who makes it sells it.The one who buys it doesn't use it.The one who's using it doesn't know he's using it.What is it

3.The paragraph below is most unusual. How quickly can you find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so ordinary you'd think nothing was wrong with it - and in fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is unusual though. Why?
"Gatsby was walking back from a visit down in Branton Hill's manufacturing district on a Saturday night. A busy day's traffic had had its noisy run; and with not many folks in sight, His Honor got along without having to stop to grasp a hand, or talk; for a mayor out of City Hall is a shining mark for any politician. And so, coming to Broadway, a booming bass drum and sounds of singing, told of a small Salvation Army unit carrying on amidst Broadway's night shopping crowds. Gatsby, walking towards that group, saw a young girl, back toward him, just finishing a long, soulful oration ... " The above passage is taken from the book "Gatsby" written by Ernest Vincent Wright in the late 1930's

I will post the answers later.

2006-04-08T17:57:00.000-07:00

Okay lets see if this blog works.